Are you in a marriage that has grown, a bit lackluster and could use a bit less lack and more luster, or just some more lust?
Do you have a partner, as lovely as they might be, who might need a bit of a cheat sheet to turn you on, get you going, or a complex diagram with footnotes as to how to get you off?
Are you lookin’ for love in all the wrong places? Lookin’ for love in too many faces and sick of choosing the wrong guy/gal (And yeah, I just dropped an Urban Cowboy movie reference. The dude is sexy, what can I say!)?
Well, look no further than the Enneagram.
Sure, it is an ancient spiritual set of blueprints that can help guide you in your meditation room. And yes, it is also a modern, sophisticated personality typing system that will empower you in the boardroom. But make no mistake: this magic roadmap works wonders in the bedroom – yes, the bedroom.
It will speed up your Tinder search, help you spice things up in bed, and, as a young coaching client remarked after deploying this at the bars, “No shit B, this thing helped me get laid.”
Look, I’m making no money-back guarantees on this one, and I can neither confirm nor deny my young client’s bold testimonial. I can, however, assure you that it is relevant in all areas of life, so why not in the sack?
So, this Valentine’s Day, I’m giving you 9, not 50 shades of grey.
Enneagram 1: The Reformer:
Yes, Enneagram 1s are the perfectionists. They need things neat, tidy, and structured. They are a bit conservative, the “good boy/girl” on the Enneagram, and may need to go to the confessional after the big date. However, that’s where you come in. Just take them by the hand and say, “Sweetheart, put down the Windex; no, you won’t need a notepad or make a to-do list. Just turn off your inner critic, let go of the doubts, get in touch with your bad boy/girl, and pretty please let her on out!”
Enneagram 2: The Helper:
These are the relationship folks, the intimacy seekers, and the ones who need to serve, to be needed, and who live to give. However, don’t be fooled by their shtick: “I have no needs” or “I’m just here to please.” So start by calling “bullshit.” Then acknowledge how much you need them and praise them for all they do, but don’t manipulate them; appreciate them. “Take my hand, love, follow me, my sweet; let’s explore and figure out what you need. Sit back. Relax, ‘tis not always better to give than receive!”
Enneagram 3: The Achiever
These are the go-getters, the performers, the climbers – the human doings as they achieve and succeed while others watch from the sidelines, cheering and booing. What they need to learn, unlike the 2s, is that one should give more than they take. There are no trophies in the bedroom, and the Best Actor award is not something to which they should aspire. So, tell them, “I love you for who you are. No, it’s not for your face, money, or how expensive your dress. So slow down. Take a deep breath, and remember there’s no one here to impress.”
Enneagram 4: The Individualist
Fours are the deep emotional divers, swimming in depths few others can go. Their currency is emotion, romance, and authenticity. They are probably the ones who call it not intimacy but into-me-see as they long to do just that – to see and be seen. So first see them – no, really see them. Then understand them – really, understand them. Then, read them Love Sonnets and talk to them about how Mercury retrograde is the perfect time to align your auras and start touching chakras. But above all, do not treat this like some ordinary outing. So light some incense and put on some Adele, and IF you do all this, your night will end well.”
Enneagram 5: The Investigator
Now, these are the thinkers, the contemplatives, and the most reserved of any type. Don’t surprise them with loud parties, loud orgies, or even quiet, unannounced booty calls at midnight. What they need from you is to take it slow and touch but not too much. Give them some time to adjust and open up. However, don’t underestimate them, thinking they’re only fantasizing about numbers, algorithms, or sub-motifs in the second book of the Lord of the Rings series. They’re not that big of a nerd. OK, they are, but they are also the Fifty Shades of Gray people, so be sure you have a safe word!
Enneagram 6: The Loyalist
Sure, the Loyalist is the most anxious, questioning, and skeptical of any type. Of course, they’ll feel a bit self-conscious and want to sanitize the motel room first. Oh my, will you look at that? They just happen to have Lyceol in their purse. However, if you are forthright and loyal, they’ll treat you like a queen/king and sister, trust me on this: he will make you feel seen. So say to them, “You are safe. You are secure. I am yours, and you are mine. Yes, I locked the door. Yes, I turned off the stove. Yes, our love toys are BPA-free; all is fine.” But once they feel secure and you put them at ease, look out and let them earn that Loyalist name because they aim to please!
Enneagram 7: The Enthusiast
Oh, the Enthusiast. Ah, the Enthusiast. Ooo, you naughty Enthusiast. These are the fun ones, the spontaneous folks, and the types that like many transitions. So don’t trap them, limit them, or stick to any plan, and certainly don’t resort to the missionary position. Don’t push them to go deep, not at first, though, they’ll come around. “Yes, sweetheart, we can go out to dinner, catch a movie, hit the bars, and party all night long. Or… we could stay at home and read this new book I bought, something about Tantric Sex. Oh, and did I mention I bought a new thong?”
Enneagram 8: The Challenger
These are the strong types, the bad girl/boy, with plenty of armor to get through if you’ve got a shot. However, don’t think for a second that they don’t want a “domineering” partner; in fact, they may find that quite hot! So take them by the hand, caress them gently on the cheek, and soften that grizzly bear up, “You bad girl, you’re coming with me. Shhh, I’ve got this. You can give up control on this one event. Did I mention I find your vulnerability so sexy? It’s like having my own Beth Dutton or Roy Kent!”
Enneagram 9: The Peacemaker
The Peacemakers are the nice boy/girl of the Enneagram, prone to saying “yes,” “I don’t care,” or “whatever you want, dear.” So getting to “yes” may not be a real feat, but getting to a “YES” now that’s a real treat. Give them time. Give them space, and let them go at their own, albeit slow, pace. “Come with me dear, sit on this couch. Have a nice meal. Watch a rom-com.” Then get out of the way of a 9 who’s turned on! Sure, at first, they may not be in a rush. However, make no mistake about it; a horny Nine can even make Sevens and Eights blush all night long.
Fine Print: Dear reader, please note that none of the above is backed by data or scientifically validated, nor do I have first-hand knowledge of any of this, I swear. Also, please sign the liability waiver releasing me of any Seven Fantasies Gone Bad, Five Fetishes with too much twist, or what happens when you tie up the Eight because he may just get pissed!
