Today is Father’s Day, and we’re supposed to say, “Happy Father’s Day.” However, what do you do when it’s not happy?
Guiding men at midlife and onwards who have been battered and beaten up by life and who are searching for deeper meaning, purpose, and resilience in their lives, I’m very aware that today can bring up lots of mixed emotions, and it’s not always happy.
Many, if not most, of the men I coach, their fathers are dead. Some are still in grief. For others, it’s been so long that they hardly remember their dad.
Some men I work with are estranged from their children, while others were unable, or never presented the opportunity, to have children.
Certainly, if you have an idyllic relationship with your dad and he’s here, you should unabashedly and unreservedly celebrate him. If you have children who love and respect you, you should not hold back and bask in your blessings.
However, for any of you men who didn’t have the dad you wanted, needed, or deserved… For any of you men who just miss your dad so profoundly or deeply that it hurts your heart… For any of you men who are torn up over the strained relationship, you have with your children…. Or for any of you men who can not, do not, or will not have children… Remember, fathers come into our lives in all kinds of ways.
Many of my father figures, like Viktor Frankl, Wayne Dyer, Moses, or Abraham, are men I never met. It’s never too late to seek out a father figure in your life, even if they are no longer alive. You have great men somewhere in your past, in your lineage whom you can turn to in conversation, contemplation, and prayer. And if not, then you’ll find plenty waiting to father you; just find your way to one of their books.
If you are estranged from your dad or your kids, or there’s just an impenetrable tension that makes it difficult to be together, those are simply circumstances. You can choose to be a father, embody fatherly principles, and offer unconditional love, even without being seen, even from afar, regardless of your circumstances. Write them a letter and send it. Or write them a letter and save it for them to read after you are gone. That, after all, is what it means to be a dad – to carry the burden, no matter how painful it may be, and never set it down.
And for all my guys whom I work with, or anyone of you reading this who don’t have biological children. So be it. Many great men were childless, men like Leonardo da Vinci, George Washington, Nikola Tesla, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, Pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and a lot of great monks, mystics, and popes, to be sure. Yet, each and every one of them stood for the principles of fatherhood and embodied them in the way they lived – living nobly, sacrificing greatly, and serving in devotion – bearing their burden, which is what great dads do.
No, it may not be a happy Father’s Day. That may not be up to you. However, what is in your power is to make it a meaningful Father’s Day. So, gentleman, regardless of your circumstances, on this Father’s Day, may each of you, my brothers, turn to your dad, or your heavenly dads, or your Heavenly Dad and get the loving guidance and support you deserve. And may each of you rise up and stand in your values, principles, and integrity, persevering and paving the way for all those who come after you – all of whom are your children, and be the father, the true father, that you were destined to become. If you do, it will be a meaningful Father’s Day, and meaning, not happiness, is what every true father seeks!
