Walk The Talk: Finding Meaning In The Tough Stuff
OK, fine, so it’s not my title, but REM was right. It’s the end of the world again, and guess what? I feel fine, and so should you. Join Dr Dan and me as we explore how to move forward in hope, optimism, and faith as we transform tragedy into triumph.
It’s The End Of The World As We Know it And I Feel Fine
OK, fine, so it’s not my title, but REM was right. It’s the end of the world again, and guess what? I feel fine, and so should you. Join Dr Dan and me as we explore how to move forward in hope, optimism, and faith as we transform tragedy into triumph.
9 Shades of Grey: The Enneagram Of Intimacy, Sexuality, and Mind Blowing Orgasms
Do you have a partner, as lovely as they might be, who might need a bit of a cheat sheet to turn you on, get you going, or a complex diagram with footnotes as to how to get you off? Look no further than the Enneagram.
Mirrors, Middle-Aged Naked Dudes, And Men Sick Of The Game
This is my threshold test to find my guys, the ones I can work with and help. Those who won’t look, can’t yet look, or are too embarrassed, heartbroken, or ashamed to look are my guys, my tribe, and the men with whom I connect and who connect with me.
Wolverine Spirituality: Football, Meditation & What I Learned From J.J. McCarthy
Sure, it takes balls to walk onto that field as QB1, knowing you will get pummeled all day. However, I’d argue that it takes even more courage to sit in meditation before the kickoff of the pinnacle game of the year. Moreover, this wasn’t the championship volleyball game (no offense; I know you volleyball players are badass). Rather, it’s football, arguably one of the most hyper-macho and toxic-masculine cultures known to man.
Screw New Year’s Goals; This Year, Be The Goalie!
“The defiant power of the human spirit is man’s capacity as a spiritual being to resist and brave whatever conditioning, circumstances or suffering he may face or endure.” -Dr. Viktor Frankl I hate goals. I hate goal setting. Above all else, I hate this ridiculous ritual of setting goals for the New Year. Why? Because the goals are a cliche. Lose weight. Exercise more. Spend Less. Blah, blah, blah. More than just living another cliched year, the real reason is – that they don’t work! A whopping 9% of us actually stick to the goals we’ll set for 2024, let alone achieve them. So, all you’re really doing is guaranteeing the one goal you will achieve – being a failure at keeping New Year’s goals, yet again. Instead, what I’m doing this year is committing to being the goalie, yes, the goalie – like in hockey. Fine, that’s a goal, but just one, and one which isn’t a cliche, is totally attainable, and honestly, it’s badass! No, I’m not talking about playing hockey. I can’t ice skate, plus I like my teeth too much for that. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you the first thing about the sport, save this. You don’t F*ck with the goalie. I mean, seriously, is there a more intimidating position in all of sports? Maybe it’s because he reminds everyone of Jason from Friday the 13th. Maybe it’s because he’s more reinforced than a U.N.-paid-for Hamas terror tunnel (sorry, too soon?). Or maybe it’s because this dude sits there all game long with other dudes pummeling him with a rubber projectile over and over and over at speeds of over 100 mph. The guy not only doesn’t hide, he actually jumps into harm’s way. Like I said, badass! That’s what it means to be the goalie. You get pounded. You get knocked down. You mess up and let one get by. Then you get up and take another, and another, and another. If you want a more technical term for this, how about the one my teacher and mentor Dr. Viktor Frankl, gave to people like this? This is a dude who lives his defiant power of spirit. As Dr. Frankl taught, “The defiant power of the human spirit is man’s capacity as a spiritual being to resist and brave whatever conditioning, circumstances or suffering he may face or endure.” So, screw New Year’s goals. This year, commit to being the goalie. Commit to not hiding behind the goals, and get out in front of that net where you’re bound to get pummelled by all kinds of slapshots. Commit to getting up after you get knocked down. Commit to facing your failures, taking responsibility, and working through the shame. Commit to no longer being afraid. Commit to making your stand and summoning the defiant power of your spirit as you don your hockey mask, and face, embrace, and endure whatever painful pucks come your way.
Transforming Tragedy into Triumph: Descending Up, Never Down
The Jewish people have known more of our share of descents in this lifetime than any other people in history. However, the Jewish people always and only go in a different direction, one direction – with every suffering-filled step and horrific descent, we are a people that Descend Up.
Transforming Tragedy Into Triumph: Today I Become A Man
Man is not fully conditioned and determined but rather determines whether he gives in to conditions or stands up to them Dr. ViktorFrankl My son and youngest child, Aviv, is preparing for his Bar Mitzvah and doing it nontraditionally. He’s a competitive dancer and doesn’t have time, nor the desire, to go to Hebrew school. He wants to do it on his terms. So what are his terms? So, we were driving to school, listening to the news (he’s an all-things-Israel-news-junkie), and the report of the Pogrom in Dagestan – a bloodthirsty mob of Jew haters who wanted to kill Jews, came on. “Turn it off,” I insisted. “No,” he said in a surprisingly stern tone. “Yes,” I snapped back, reaching for the dial at which point he grabbed my hand. “Abba,” he said with conviction. “This is one of my fears.” And just like that, I got it. I knew exactly what he was saying, what he was doing, and why he was doing it. I choked back the tears. I watched this kid who has deeply internalized what is going on in Israel as he lived there not that long ago, in that very moment, step into his power. He is terrified of Hamas. He was in tears listening to the horror stories of boys his age being dragged away into Gaza, probably never to be seen again. He isn’t some macho tough guy. The kid is Billy Elliot, an Enneagram 4 (the empath), and he gets mad at me when I kill spiders. And yet, at this moment, I saw the truth – Hamas failed. We won. Period. No, we haven’t got our babies back from Gaza. No, we haven’t rooted out and eradicated all of Hamas yet, but we will. No, we can not get all of those innocent men, women, and children who were murdered back. No, we can not stop these terrorists from using their babies as human shields and all of the bloodshed of Palestinians, the blood of which is on Hamas’s hands. And yet, one young man a world away from the fighting, a boy who hates bloodshed and is afraid of what is going on, did not surrender to his fear. He is not running from his fears. Sure, he’s still afraid – we all are – and yet, he reminds us of what Dr. Viktor Frankl meant when he said, “make your defiant stand.” “Man is not fully conditioned and determined,” writes Frankl, “but rather determines himself whether he gives in to conditions or stands up to them.” Aviv reminds us of what we must do to say Never Again, to mean Never Again, and to live Never Again… We must not run. We can not hide. We should not live in fear; that’s what Hamas, their supporters, and all of the haters want. Terrorists don’t just live to cause terror but to stifle the rest of us through that terror. No, we don’t always control what they do or how they do – and certainly will never understand why they do it. However, that doesn’t mean we don’t have control. We do. We always do control, but one thing – how we choose to respond. There are a thousand ways we can and must fight Hamas, terrorists, and haters wherever they rear their ugly heads. However, as Aviv reminded me, maybe it starts right here, right now, with whatever fear we face. Maybe the best way to fight them is to simply face our fears, whatever those fears may be, as an act of courage as we make our defiant stand. If we do, regardless of our age, gender, or religion, we’ll embody those timeless words that most Jewish boys and girls merely mutter but which every one of us, in our way, on our terms, must embody… Today, I will courageously face my fears. Today, I will make my defiant stand. Today, I will defeat Hamas and all Jew-haters, racists, and bigots everywhere. Today, I become a woman. Today, I become a man.
Transforming Tragedy Into Triumph: The Secret To Jewish Immortality
Transforming Tragedy Into Triumph: The Secret To Jewish Immortality The defiant power of the human spirit is man’s capacity as a spiritual being to resist and brave whatever conditioning, circumstances or suffering he may face or endure.”-Dr. Viktor Frankl Over the past few weeks, like many of you, I’ve been glued to the news. I need to know what has happened and continues to happen in Israel. I’m stuck between “I can’t get enough” and “enough is enough.” It went from the most heinous horrors against the Jews since the Holocaust, to the ongoing saga of the hostages, to the pro-Hamas rallies and the vile Jew hatred erupting all around us, to the devastation being visited upon poor Palestinians whom Hamas is using as human shields. It’s devastating. It’s terrifying. It’s exhausting. It’s demoralizing. I know. I get it. Trust me, all day, every day CNN. FOX. MSNBC… every person I talk to, every client I meet with, every interaction, over and over, rinse and repeat, again and again and again. I get it. They hate us. I know. They want to annihilate Israel. I have no doubt they mean what they say. They want dead Jews. Yes, we need to stay informed. Yes, we need to keep advocating and educating. Yes, the IDF needs to keep defending us, and individually, we must stay in the fight. But here’s the deal: if we’re going to do this, then let’s do this. If we’re going to deal with these modern-day Pogroms (and make no mistake about it, these are bloodthirsty Pogroms – like Dagestan), then let’s go all in and remember the whole story. Yes, they want dead Jews. Yes, they got dead Jews. Yes, they are after us again. And yet, we’re still here? In every era they wanted us dead, so how come we’re not gone? For that, let’s turn to Mark Twain who wrote the following after visiting Israel in 1899 (so much for colonialism)… “…If statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race. Itsuggests a nebulous dim puff of stardust lost in the blaze of the Milky Way. Properly, theJew ought hardly to be heard of, but he is heard of, has always been heard of. He is asprominent on the planet as any other people…,The Egyptian, the Babylonian, and the Persian rose, filled the planet with sound andsplendor, then faded to dream-stuff and passed away; the Greek and the Romanfollowed; and made a vast noise, and they are gone; other people have sprung up andheld their torch high for a time, but it burned out, and they sit in twilight now, or havevanished. The Jew saw them all, beat them all, and is now what he always was,exhibiting no decadence, no infirmities of age, no weakening of his parts, no slowing ofhis energies, no dulling of his alert and aggressive mind. All things are mortal but theJew; all other forces pass, but he remains. What is the secret of his immortality?” Yes, indeed, Mr. Twain, every step of the way, they wanted us dead. And yet…The Egyptian Empire – gone.The Amalekites – gone.The Assyrian Empire – gone.The Hittite Empire – gone.The Chaldean Empire – gone.The Philistines – gone.The Babylonian Empire – gone.The Persian Empire – gone.The Greek Empire – gone.The Roman Empire – gone.The Byzantine Empire – gone.The Ottoman Turkish Empire – gone.The Soviet Empire – gone.The Nazi Empire – gone They all wanted us dead. Yet, we are alive and well. We are succeeding. We are flourishing. We are powerful, returned to our rightful, ancient, God-given Jewish homeland, and thriving across the world. We are here. They are gone. What is the secret of the Jew’s immortality, Mr. Twain? In the words of my teacher, mentor, and Holocaust survivor, Dr. Viktor Frankl – it’s called the defiant power of the human spirit. This spirit was exemplified by Frankl and many others during and after the Holocaust, as well as by Israelis during the past three weeks. It is this defiant power that has allowed the Jewish people to endure and thrive. That’s our story, the whole story, and a story that needs to be lived and shared. It’s time to turn off the news and get back to this message, stop focusing on the death, the hate, and the fear – which is precisely what the terrorists and hates want us to do, and get back to our mission, and the real story – Am Yisrael Chai – the Jewish people and our Jewish homeland will continue long after Hamas and the haters are gone. Our story, the story of the Jewish people and our homeland, is one that must be told and lived. It’s time to tune out the negativity and focus on our mission. Let’s move past the hate and fear that terrorists and other antagonists want us to feel. Instead, let us remember that Am Yisrael Chai – the Jewish people and our homeland – will endure even after those who oppose us are long gone. That is the secret of the Jewish homeland, the Jewish people, and the Jewish mission – the defiant power of our spirit and a secret that finally and fully needs to be revealed! Rabbi Dr. Baruch “B” HaLevi
Move Forward After Loss, But Never Move On
As someone who has officiated at hundreds of funerals and has guided thousands of individuals through various types of loss, I can attest that there are certain things you should and should not say. One statement that should never be uttered is, “You need to move on.” While I understand this sentiment stems from a desire to help loved ones suffering, it is ultimately unhelpful and harmful. It is impossible to “move on” after experiencing a loss; doing so would feel disloyal and unloving. What does moving on mean anyway? Does it involve leaving our feelings behind, soldering on, and ignoring the pain? Does it require replacing lost loved ones with new ones? Does it mean we try to forget – to put the memories behind us and begin a new life? None of these options are appropriate or even possible. Instead of attempting to move on, we should focus on moving forward. This slight shift in language has enormous ramifications. To move forward does not mean abandoning our loved ones. Instead, we should strive to carry them with us always. We can do this by remembering them, feeling our emotions for them, and choosing to live – not in spite of our loss, but because of it. Even in the face of death, we can live for our loved ones and continue to love them and those around us more deeply through how we live. This isn’t moving on. This is moving forward and what it means to carry their fire. After my father’s suicide, I read Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road,” which included a powerful passage that stuck with me. In it, a father tells his son that he must “carry the fire” as they navigate a post-apocalyptic world. The poor child doesn’t know what this fire is, where it exists, or even if it’s real. As his father lay there dying, in his final few breaths, he reassures his son that he knows – you’ve always known; you’ll always know: it’s in you – it is you. Carry the fire and as you live I live! This phrase has become my touchstone for dealing with loss. To carry the fire means to remember our loved ones and live for them, not in spite of their death, but because of it. To carry the fire means we keep their memory alive by living our lives fully and fiercely, with every thought, feeling, and action bound up with their legacy. To carry the fire means we don’t bury our dead, leaving them ‘back there’ in the dirt. Rather, it means we carry our them with us, the grief and joy, the memories and feelings inspiring and empowering us every step of the way. Over and over, when I have shared these words with people who are grieving – grieving a loved one or grieving as so many of us are today after the murder of our Jewish brothers and sisters by Hamas – they get it. We get it. Whereas we feel kicked in the gut when told that we need to move on, I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t feel a deep resonance with being told it is time to move forward – to carry the fire. With a nodding head and a sparkle in the eye, knowing precisely what it means and why they must do it countless individuals have said, “Yes, I must carry the fire.” So, wherever you are, whatever you are going through, or whomever you are grieving – No, you can’t bring your loved one back… No, you can’t stop the darkness from descending… No, you can’t move on – nor do you want to, even if you could. But that doesn’t mean you are helpless. It should not mean you lose hope. You now have a sacred task and newfound life’s mission in front of you. No, you can’t move on. Yes, you must move forward, fulfilling this duty, and upholding your promise to your loved ones, whether you said the words or not. You have the fire, their fire within you. It’s always been there. It will always be there. It’s in you. It is you, and you are them. So carry the fire and move forward on your life path. As you live, they live if you carry the fire! Baruch HaLevi In dedication to my father, Shelly Perelman, on his 17th yartzeit (death anniversary) as I continue to carry his fire and pass it down to the next generation.