Why Being a “Nice Guy” Is Killing Your Power, Your Marriage, and Your Manhood

Let me tell you about Jim.

He’s one of those guys you meet and think, “Wow, what a nice guy.”
He’s polite. Agreeable. Helpful—always has been.

Jim never raises his voice.
He doesn’t make demands.
He plays by the rules.
He’s done everything by the book—been the provider, showed up for family dinners, sent flowers on anniversaries, coached his kids’ teams, kept the peace, kept it all together.

And now?

His wife is leaving him.
His kids walk all over him.
He keeps getting skipped over for the promotion that, on paper, should’ve been his years ago.

He sits across from me in a coaching session, voice soft, eyes confused, soul exhausted, and says:

“But B… I just don’t understand it.”

And I tell him flat out:

“Jim, it’s because of that tone.
Because you’re fucking angry and pretending you’re not.
Because you’ve shoved your truth so far down you don’t even know what it is anymore.
Everyone else does. It’s written all over your face.
But you? You’ve forgotten.

Because the part of you that’s fierce, that’s wild, that’s real—he’s been locked in detention since the 8th grade.
And now he’s raging to get out.”

This isn’t just Jim’s story.

This is the story of millions of men.

Men who were raised on the gospel of Nice.
Conditioned to be gentle, compliant, good little boys who never cause trouble, never pick fights, never say what they need, and certainly never ask for more.

And what has it gotten them?

Depression.
Divorce.
Disdain in the bedroom.
Disconnection from their kids.
No sense of direction.
A slow, soul-numbing drift into irrelevance.

Let’s be clear about one thing:

Nice isn’t good.

Nice is weak.
Nice is dishonest.
Nice is fear.

And no, that’s not the same thing as being kind, loving, or compassionate.

There’s a massive difference between being good and being nice.

A good man tells the truth—even when it’s uncomfortable.
A good man says “no” when the answer needs to be no.
A good man holds boundaries, shows up with presence, and doesn’t shrink to keep the peace.
A good man is trusted, respected, and, yes, even feared in the right way—not because he’s a tyrant, but because people know he doesn’t fuck around with his integrity.

Nice, on the other hand?

Nice is a lie dressed in politeness.

It’s the mask you wear when you’re afraid of being rejected, abandoned, disliked.
It’s the version of you that nods along, keeps the peace, swallows the rage, suppresses the needs, and calls that noble.

But what you’re really doing is betraying yourself—and everyone around you knows it.

Your wife feels it in your touch. In your absence. In your hesitation.
Your kids feel it when you don’t follow through on discipline.
Your boss sees it when you play small in meetings and never take a stand.
Your friends know it when you agree to plans you don’t want.
And most of all—you know it.

That nagging voice in your gut that says:

“Stop being so fucking nice.”

So Jim… or Joe… or James…

Let’s talk about what your woman actually wants.
Because no—it’s not more nice.
It’s not more passivity, more agreement, more “whatever you want, babe.”

She doesn’t want to be your mother.
She wants to be met by a man.

A man with fire in his belly.
Truth in his voice.
Conviction in his heart.
And the courage to show up fully.

She wants the part of you that knows who the fuck he is and isn’t afraid to say it.

And your kids?
They need the same.

They don’t need another playdate dad, a buddy, a pushover, or a nice guy who gives in just to avoid their tantrums or teenage storms.
They need to know where the line is.
They need to know who’s got the wheel.
They need to feel the weight of your presence—not your punishment, not your perfection—your presence.

They need to feel safe, not because you’re soft, but because you’re solid.
Because you don’t fold.
Because you don’t flinch.
Because you say what you mean, mean what you say, and follow through.

They don’t need you to be perfect.
They need you to be anchored.

They need to look into your eyes and see a man who knows himself.
A man who can weather their chaos because he’s faced his own.
A man who doesn’t hide from hard things, but meets them head-on—so they know they can too.

And your family, your friends, your boss, your employees, and everyone you meet?
They’re all waiting for the real you to show up, not the edited version.

Because if you won’t model how to be whole, they’ll learn how to be nice—and repeat the same cycle of shrinking, silencing, and self-betrayal.

And here’s the part most men have never been told:

That bad boy inside you—the one you locked away, shamed, punished, banished—is not your enemy.

He’s your ally.
He’s the fire you need to burn away the bullshit.
He’s the hunger that refuses to settle for scraps.
He’s the voice that tells you when you’re selling yourself out.

No, you don’t act on every impulse he throws your way.
You don’t let him take the wheel.
But you better stop pretending he doesn’t exist.

Because the longer you ignore him, the more control he has over you from the shadows.

Carl Jung nailed it:

“The shadow is not just evil—it is the seat of creativity, vitality, and power.”

That shadow is where your bad boy lives.
And Jordan Peterson drives it home:

“A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very dangerous man who has it under voluntary control.”

This isn’t about becoming dangerous to harm others.
It’s about becoming dangerous so you can protect, lead, and serve from a place of wholeness and strength.

So if you’re reading this and something deep in your gut is stirring—good.

That’s the part of you I’m talking to.

That’s the part of you that knows the game you’ve been playing is rigged.
That you’re done being the nice guy.
Done being neutered, silenced, sidelined.

You’re ready to reclaim your voice.
Reclaim your balls.
Reclaim your fucking life.

Then brother—it’s time.

Stop apologizing.
Stop waiting.
Stop hoping someone gives you permission to live.

Let the bad boy out of detention.
Let him ride with you—not in front, not in control—but with you.

As your power.
As your protection.
As your fucking fire.

When you’re ready to stop being Jim, Joe, or James—
And start being you—
Come find us.

👉 ManUPrising.org

Dr. Baruch “B” HaLevi is co-founder of Man UPrising—a movement, a brotherhood, and a battle cry for men ready to rise UP in the second half of life.