Learning to Say the Hard Things: Why Clearing Little Things Saves Our Relationships

Men’s Peer Group Tools Series: Clearing

Let’s be honest—most men suck at saying the hard things.

We swallow it. We bury it. We laugh it off. We say, “No worries.” We say, “I’m fine.” We say, “It’s nothing.” And then we walk away with a smile plastered on our faces while inside we’re seething, hurting, shrinking.

That’s not strength. That’s cowardice. And it’s killing our relationships.

In Men’s Peer Groups, we don’t let that crap slide. Every meeting starts with a ritual we call Clearing. It’s simple, but it will change your life.

Here’s how it works. A man looks another man dead in the eyes and says, “I’m clear with you, John. I’m clear with you, Jim. I’m not clear with you, Juan.” And then he says why. “I’m not clear with you, Juan, because I sent you an email you asked for and you never got back to me. You ghosted me and I felt small.”

Then he clears with the group. “I’m not clear with the group because I was late. That was disrespectful to you guys.”

That’s it. No novel. No excuses. Just the truth.

Sounds small, right? An unanswered email. Showing up late. But here’s the deal—those “small” things are the termites that eat away at trust. Those “small” things become resentment, distance, disconnection. And if you don’t believe me, go look at your marriage, your friendships, your job.

There are two ways to kill a relationship.

One is obvious: stab it through the heart. Cheat. Lie. Betray. Cross the line in some massive way. That’ll do it.

But more often? It’s death by a thousand cuts. Paper cuts. Little things. The text that never got answered. The offhand insult that got brushed aside. The dinner you were late to. The birthday you forgot. The silence after someone poured out their heart.

Individually, none of them look fatal. Collectively, they bleed relationships dry.

Clearing is the antidote.

It’s the practice of pulling resentment into the light before it festers. It’s the discipline of naming the tension so it doesn’t become poison. It’s the courage to say the hard thing before the hard thing blows everything up.

But here’s the kicker—clearing isn’t just about saying the hard thing. It’s about hearing the hard thing.

And that’s where most men crash and burn.

Because when someone clears with you, your first instinct is to defend yourself. “That’s not what I meant.” “You’re too sensitive.” Or to fix it. “Okay, okay, I’ll do better, I’ll change.”

Neither is clearing.

When someone clears with you, your only job is to receive it. Period. You don’t have to own it. Maybe it’s their stuff. Maybe they misread it. Maybe it’s not “true.” Doesn’t matter. It matters to them. And the fact that it matters to them means it matters to the relationship.

So you listen. You breathe. You say, “Thank you.” You say, “I hear you.” You say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ll do better.” Or you say nothing.

That’s clearing.

It feels awkward at first. It feels unnatural. But it’s not just a Peer Group gimmick. It’s life-saving in the real world.

Clear with your wife. “I’m not clear with you because when you looked at your phone during dinner, I felt invisible.”

Clear with your kids. “I’m not clear with you because you rolled your eyes at me. I felt disrespected.”

Clear with your boss. “I’m not clear with you because you didn’t acknowledge my contribution in that meeting.”

Imagine what would happen if men actually said those things instead of swallowing them. Imagine if instead of “No worries,” we told the truth. Imagine if instead of faking smiles, we brought the noise inside us into the open.

Relationships would stop dying a slow death. Marriages would stop rotting in silence. Friendships would stop drifting. Teams would stop collapsing under the weight of unspoken resentment.

Clearing is hard. It’s vulnerable. It’s uncomfortable as hell. But it’s the only way to build anything real.

Because pretending is bullshit. Silence is bullshit. “No worries” is bullshit.

Learning to say the hard things—that’s the work. That’s the courage. That’s what turns men into men, and boys playing nice into ghosts.

So clear. Say it. Hear it. Receive it. And watch your relationships come alive again.