Three times last week, someone asked if I’d read Mel Robbins’ newest book, Let Them. Fine. I’m not a huge fan of self-help books, but fine—I said I’d read it.
It was a nice read. Nothing earth-shattering, just a simple idea.
I’ll save you the time and money in seven seconds:
- If the cashier is annoyingly slow… Let them.
- If your kid is bitching about whatever they’re bitching about this time… Let them.
- If your spouse is upset with you—again—for whatever reason… Let them.
Let Them is about letting go of control.
Let Them is about taking back your power.
Let Them is about living with more joy and freedom.
The book resonates because we know it’s true. Deep down, we’ve all felt the frustration of trying to change someone—trying to make them see, make them do, push them toward what we know is best—only to watch them resist, ignore, or walk the other way.
I certainly have.
As an Enneagram 8, The Challenger, I’ve spent my life taking control, staying in control, or forcing control over everything and everyone in my path. And yeah, I get a lot of shit done. I’ve made some impact. But at what cost?
A hardened persona.
A heated temperament.
And—if you ask my wife—more than a few years as, and I quote, The 8-hole.
(Okay, fine, she still calls me that. Just way less.)
But age brings perspective. And failure. A lot of failure. Enough to teach me that control is a losing game.
Sure, I can push my kid to do his homework, but does it work?
I can be upset when my coworker doesn’t pull their weight, but does my anger fix it?
I can get mad when the driver in front of me is crawling at 10 mph, but does it make them speed up?
Mel’s right: What’s the point?
You can’t change them.
You can’t change reality.
You aren’t in control of them.
Hell, you aren’t even in control of yourself—not if they’re the ones pulling your strings.
This Isn’t New. It’s Ancient.
This isn’t Mel Robbins’ idea. It’s the idea—the foundation of entire wisdom traditions.
Buddhism? The Buddha taught: “Attachment is the root of suffering.” Clinging to the illusion of control—believing people should act how we expect—is a direct path to frustration and pain. The solution? Let them.
Hinduism? The Bhagavad Gita reminds us: “You have a right to your actions, but never to the fruits of your actions.” Do your part, but let them do theirs.
Kabbalah? It speaks of Tzimtzum—the radical idea that even God, in infinite power, made space for human free will. If the Divine allows us to choose, who are we to force our will on others?
And then there’s Viktor Frankl. He didn’t just study this idea. He lived it in the most unimaginable conditions.
Expanding the Space: Viktor Frankl & Response-Ability
In the depths of the Holocaust—where every external freedom was stripped away—Viktor Frankl uncovered the ultimate truth:
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Frankl called this our response-ability—the ability to choose our response.
That space—between what happens to us and how we react—is all we truly own.
Yet most of us waste our energy trying to control everything outside that space—other people, circumstances, the world—while neglecting the one thing we actually can control: our response.
That space is where we reclaim our power.
That space is where we expand our freedom.
That space is where we stop reacting and start responding.
A Real-Life Example: The Power of Letting Go
A coaching client of mine—a deeply compassionate woman—wrestled with this lesson.
She wanted to help.
Her kids. Her husband. Her siblings. Her friends. She poured herself into their problems, offering advice, solutions, support. But the more she “helped,” the more aggravated she became when they didn’t take her advice.
Why wouldn’t they listen?
Why wouldn’t they change?
She was exhausted, resentful, heartbroken.
Then came the breakthrough:
She realized she could not make them change.
She could only change herself.
She could let them—
Let them make their own choices.
Let them experience their own consequences.
Let them take ownership of their own lives.
And in doing so, she found peace.
Reclaim Your Response-Ability
Ask yourself:
- Do you want to live in constant reaction—frustrated, exhausted, resentful because people aren’t doing what you want?
- Do you want to be trapped in an endless loop of trying to manage the uncontrollable?
- Or do you want to expand the space—take back your power, choose your response, and be free?
You cannot control them.
You cannot control circumstances.
But you can control your response.
That’s your response-ability.
And when you claim it, you become free.
Let them.
