For Sons Who Had or Have Complicated Relationships With Our Dads

Recently, in a Man UPrising Men’s Group, I shared my deepest wound in this life: my dad’s absence, betrayal, and legacy of darkness after his suicide.  

As I shared my story (which I’ve detailed in my forthcoming book Man UPrising: Men Rising Up In The Second Half Of Life found inside the Man UPrising: Man Cave), every guy in that group was crying, but it wasn’t simply about my story and how my dad has wounded me. It was that each of those guys had their own story to tell, their own experience with their dads, ranging from outright abusive dads to absent dads to neglectful t or unavailable dads. 

Regardless, each cried tears and shared stories of their struggles in their relationships with their dads.

It doesn’t mean all their dads were “bad,” as most men can not and should not be reduced to three letters and one word and judged by their worst moment(s) in life. Of course, each had a story or two of kindness, nurturing, and love around their fathers. I certainly did. 

My dad was my hero growing up. He wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect to me and, in many ways, perfect for me until he wasn’t. When he decided to follow in his mother’s footsteps and kill himself, abandoning me in this world exactly when I needed him most, I was beyond angry. It took me years to work through that anger. Do you know what I discovered underneath?  

“The opposite of love is not hate,” wrote Elie Wiesel, “it’s indifference.” 

I was hurt, angry, and hated my dad for quite some time. I was many things, but I was not, and I am still not indifferent to my dad.   

Talking with my Man UPrising brothers brought all of those feelings to the surface, many of which I haven’t felt in a long time. However, instead of feeling like a burden, it was a relief to unload it.

Talking about this in my group made me feel clearer and lighter and got underneath all those dark emotions. And do you know what I found underneath all that darkness? It wasn’t indifference. It was and continues to be love.

No, I will never forget what he did to me, my family, and most of all to himself. In many ways, I believe it is my duty to remember so that neither I nor anyone I know, love, and guide will ever repeat his tragic choices. 

That’s exactly why I need to revisit my relationship, keeping working on it, for him, for me, and for us. 

To all of my brothers struggling with their dads…

• Don’t keep it in. 
• Don’t push it down.
• Don’t tell yourself you don’t care.
• Don’t mansplain to others or yourself: “there’s nothing I can do about it, so what’s the point?”

There is something you can do about it.

You can break the cycle of not talking, not caring, not healing, and not sharing. 

You can redeem your father’s brokenness (and probably your lineage, too).

You can dig down into yourself, your heart, and your soul and, in the words of my spiritual father, Dr. Viktor Frankl, “transform tragedy into triumph.” 

You do this by doing this work.

You do this by opening up and sharing with other men.

You do it for your children and their children, and theirs…

You do it for your father, and his father, and his…

Above all else, you do this to become a man rising up, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in the second half of your life!

Join us for a virtual conversation about our complicated relationships with our dads. 

P.S. We also want to hear from all of you with beautiful relationships with your father, as it helps us all. 

Dr. Baruch “B” HaLevi

To register, visit The Man Cave.

To learn more, visit www.manuprising.org