As someone who has officiated at hundreds of funerals and has guided thousands of individuals through various types of loss, I can attest that there are certain things you should and should not say. One statement that should never be uttered is, “You need to move on.” While I understand this sentiment stems from a desire to help loved ones suffering, it is ultimately unhelpful and harmful. It is impossible to “move on” after experiencing a loss; doing so would feel disloyal and unloving.
What does moving on mean anyway? Does it involve leaving our feelings behind, soldering on, and ignoring the pain? Does it require replacing lost loved ones with new ones? Does it mean we try to forget – to put the memories behind us and begin a new life? None of these options are appropriate or even possible. Instead of attempting to move on, we should focus on moving forward. This slight shift in language has enormous ramifications.
To move forward does not mean abandoning our loved ones. Instead, we should strive to carry them with us always. We can do this by remembering them, feeling our emotions for them, and choosing to live – not in spite of our loss, but because of it. Even in the face of death, we can live for our loved ones and continue to love them and those around us more deeply through how we live. This isn’t moving on. This is moving forward and what it means to carry their fire.
After my father’s suicide, I read Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road,” which included a powerful passage that stuck with me. In it, a father tells his son that he must “carry the fire” as they navigate a post-apocalyptic world. The poor child doesn’t know what this fire is, where it exists, or even if it’s real. As his father lay there dying, in his final few breaths, he reassures his son that he knows – you’ve always known; you’ll always know: it’s in you – it is you. Carry the fire and as you live I live!
This phrase has become my touchstone for dealing with loss.
To carry the fire means to remember our loved ones and live for them, not in spite of their death, but because of it.
To carry the fire means we keep their memory alive by living our lives fully and fiercely, with every thought, feeling, and action bound up with their legacy.
To carry the fire means we don’t bury our dead, leaving them ‘back there’ in the dirt. Rather, it means we carry our them with us, the grief and joy, the memories and feelings inspiring and empowering us every step of the way.
Over and over, when I have shared these words with people who are grieving – grieving a loved one or grieving as so many of us are today after the murder of our Jewish brothers and sisters by Hamas – they get it. We get it. Whereas we feel kicked in the gut when told that we need to move on, I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t feel a deep resonance with being told it is time to move forward – to carry the fire. With a nodding head and a sparkle in the eye, knowing precisely what it means and why they must do it countless individuals have said, “Yes, I must carry the fire.”
So, wherever you are, whatever you are going through, or whomever you are grieving –
No, you can’t bring your loved one back…
No, you can’t stop the darkness from descending…
No, you can’t move on – nor do you want to, even if you could.
But that doesn’t mean you are helpless.
It should not mean you lose hope.
You now have a sacred task and newfound life’s mission in front of you. No, you can’t move on. Yes, you must move forward, fulfilling this duty, and upholding your promise to your loved ones, whether you said the words or not. You have the fire, their fire within you. It’s always been there. It will always be there. It’s in you. It is you, and you are them. So carry the fire and move forward on your life path. As you live, they live if you carry the fire!
Baruch HaLevi
In dedication to my father, Shelly Perelman, on his 17th yartzeit (death anniversary) as I continue to carry his fire and pass it down to the next generation.
